Communication is important! And good communication is especially important if there is to be unity in any undertaking, especially marriage. Let us focus on communication.
Outline
- The Definition of Communication
- Three Main Types of Communication
Written Communication
Verbal Communication
Non-Verbal Communication
- Three Elements of Effective Verbal Communication
Listening
Talking
Self-control
- The Foundation of Communication
Communication that God commends
Communication that God condemns
The Definition of Communication
Communication is the giving and receiving of information.
That seems simple enough, but I want to point out the different types of communication.
Three Main Types of Communication
- 1. Written Communication
Throughout history people have gone to great lengths to communicate with one another in writing. Written communication is very important. In fact, the Bible is Gods written communication us. Look at John 20:30-31. And many other signs truly did Jesus in the presence of his disciples, which are not written in this book: 31 But these are written, that ye might believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God; and that believing ye might have life through his name.
John clearly communicates to us in his writing the main reason he wrote his book.
- 2. Verbal Communication
Verbal communication is the very first form of communication that we read about in the Bible (Genesis 1:28-30). Verbal communication is the most important type of communication within the marriage relationship. It is verbal communication that enables a husband to “dwell with” his wife “according to knowledge.” (1 Peter 3:7).
- 3. Non-Verbal Communication
Non-verbal communication is communication that is expressed in body language. The expressions on a persons face, gestures, the way a person carries himself, etc. is “body language.” We need only to look at Genesis 4:5-6 to see that God noted Cains anger by the look of his countenance (face).
In summary, communication includes written, verbal and non-verbal communication.
Three Elements of Effective Verbal Communication
Communication does not take place unless the following three components are present listening, talking, and self-control. These three components are pointed out in James 1:19 — Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:
Little or no communication takes place unless someone listens and someone speaks! If you talk and no one is listening, there is no communication. If you listen and no one is willing to talk there is no communication. But thats not all. There can be talking and listening but when anger enters the picture, effective communication ceases! Effective communication only takes place when there is listening and talking in the context of self-control. (See Acts 7:51-60).
In summary, there are three elements in effective communication listening, talking, and self-control.
Communication that God commends is based on truth. When we communicate with others our discussion must be truthful. This is clearly indicated in Ephesians 4:25 Wherefore putting away lying, speak every man truth with his neighbour: for we are members one of another. Titus 2:8 refers to truthful communication in these words — Sound speech, that cannot be condemned”
Communication that God condemns
Colossians 3:8 But now ye also put off all these; anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy communication out of your mouth.
The language that comes spewing out of the mouths of those who profess to be believers when they are angry distresses me! Filthy, vile communication is not acceptable communication. It MUST be put off! It has no place in the life of a believer! (See Luke 6:45)
Ephesians 4:29 Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.
Corrupt communication is a reference to that which is tainted. So what would fit into the category of corrupt communication?
- Communication tainted by deceit
Deceit is concealing or perverting the truth for the purpose of misleading someone. 1 Peter 3:10 warns us against deceitfulness in our communication. The verse says, For he that will love life, and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips that they speak no guile: The word guile is a translation of the Greek word dolos (dol’-os; 1388) meaning to trick or bait with the intention to deceive.
- Communication tainted by exaggeration
Exaggeration is to magnify or enlarge something beyond the bounds of truth. It is to overstate the facts. People often resort to exaggeration in an effort to get their own way.
Lets call exaggeration what it islying. Colossians 3:9 Lie not one to another, seeing that ye have put off the old man with his deeds;
In summary, God commends or approves of truthful communication. He condemns or disproves of filthy communication (swearing, taking His name in vain, filthy talking) and corrupt communication (deceit and exaggeration).
When it comes to communication, our prayer should be — Psalms 19:14 Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O LORD, my strength, and my redeemer.
Three Keys for Good Listening
As we have seen, there is no communication if there is no listening. But I want to go one step further. Good communication requires good listening. Below are three keys for good listening
- >Let The Other Person Speak Without Interruption
Proverbs 18:13 He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him.
- Pay Close Attention To What Is Being Said
James 1:19 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:
Good listening involves giving the person you are seeking to communicate with your undivided attention. If possible, stop what you are doing and concentrate on what the other person is saying. On occasion I will even jot down notes as the other person is speaking so I am able to more accurately remember what is being said.
- Be Sure You Understand What The Other Person Is Saying
1 Peter 3:7 Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge
I have found it is a good idea to ask some clarifying questions, to be sure that you understand what is being said. Because sometimes what the other person says is not the same as what you understand them to have said. This is illustrated by Christs conversation with the Jews in John 2:19-21 Jesus answered and said unto them, Destroy this temple, and in three days I will raise it up. 20 Then said the Jews, Forty and six years was this temple in building, and wilt thou rear it up in three days? 21 But he spake of the temple of his body. Yet another illustration of misunderstanding what Christ said is found in Mark 8:14-16 Now the disciples had forgotten to take bread, neither had they in the ship with them more than one loaf. 15 And he charged them, saying, Take heed, beware of the leaven of the Pharisees, and of the leaven of Herod. 16 And they reasoned among themselves, saying, It is because we have no bread.
My point is simply this. Be sure you understand what is being said to you. Sometimes I will repeat back, in summary form, what I understand the other person is saying to me. If they agree with your summary, you can be reasonably sure you are on the same “wave length.”
In summary, a good listener
- Listens without interrupting
- Gives the person who is speaking his/her undivided attention
- Checks to be sure he/she understands what is being communicated
Four Keys For Good Speaking
- Think Before You Speak
Proverbs 15:28 The heart of the righteous studieth to answer: but the mouth of the wicked poureth out evil things.
Proverbs 29:11 & 20 A fool uttereth all his mind: but a wise man keepeth it in till afterwards. 20 Seest thou a man that is hasty in his words? there is more hope of a fool than of him.
When you want to talk to your spouse, especially when you want to work on some important issue, take the time to think about what you want to say. Formulate your point clearly. Be specific not general, and then try to stick with the issue and dont get sidetracked.
- Choose The Proper Time To Speak
Ecclesiastes 3:1 & 7 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: 7 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
Proverbs 15:23 A man hath joy by the answer of his mouth: and a word spoken in due season, how good is it!
- Exhibit The Right Attitude When You Are Speaking
How you say something is just as important as what you say. We are instructed to speak the truth in love, and to be kind (Eph. 4:15; 32). When we are dealing with a situation where someone has erred, meekness is to be exhibited (Gal. 6:1). That is not to say that we do not deal with the problems that arise or stand for the truth in the midst of compromise. Colossians 4:6 articulates the proper attitude that we are to have when we talk with others about important matters — Let your speech be alway with grace, seasoned with salt, that ye may know how ye ought to answer every man.
- Be Constructive Not Destructive In What You Say
Ephesians 4:29 Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.
God never intended that we engage in destructive criticism and yet allows, and even encourages constructive criticism. There is a vast difference. Two verses come to mind in this area. Both of them are found in Proverbs 27 —
Proverbs 27:6 & 17 Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful. 17 Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend.
Those who engage in constructive criticism want to make the other better. Problem is, many married couples engage in destructive criticism. This is not right. In fact it is sin.
In summary, a good communicator
- Thinks before he/she speaks
- Chooses the proper time to speak
- Exhibits the right attitude when he/she speaks
- Is constructive and not destructive in what he/she says
Pitfalls A Good Communicator Avoids
Indifference Communication is a must in marriage! You cannot afford to be preoccupied or have an “I dont care” attitude.
Temper flare-ups Proverbs 14:17, 29
Quarreling Proverbs 17:14; 20:3; 1 Peter 3:9
Abusive, cutting words Job 19:2; Proverbs 12:18
Harsh words Proverbs 15:1; 25:15
Mocking Proverbs 22:10
Offensive Comparisons Proverbs 18:19
Nagging Proverbs 21:9; 27:15
Boasting & “Know it all” attitude Proverbs 27:2; 14:3
Having to get in the last word Proverbs 26:20-21
God’s Blueprint For Good Communication:
Listen And Talk With Self Control! How Well Are You Communicating?