Keep the Home Fires Burning
Pastor David L. Brown, Ph.D.
© 1990
Links to Topics:
SEVEN HINTS FOR PRESERVING AN EXCITING, WARM MARRIAGE
CARING COMPANIONSHIP
COMPLETE COMMITMENT
CHARITABLE COMMUNICATION
COMMUNICATION POINTERS
EXPRESSING APPRECIATION
RESPONSIBILITY AND FORGIVENESS
ROMANCE
ACTIVE SPIRITUAL INVOLVEMENT
SEVEN HINTS FOR
PRESERVING AN EXCITING, WARM MARRIAGE
 There are some wonderful things you just don't forget about your childhood. One of
those pleasant memories was hurrying down to the kitchen on cold winter mornings and
feeling the warm floor under my cold feet. The century old home that we lived in was well
kept and roomy but not very well insulated. I had an upstairs bedroom and in the winter it
got plenty cool by the time morning came. The worst part was getting out from under the
pile of blankets and putting my bare feet on the cold floor. I did not waste any time
getting to the kitchen because we knew the Round Oak wood stove in the basement would be
fired up and the floors would be warm.
I sure enjoyed the warmth. It was wonderful. But it did not come about without effort.
My dad cut and split wood regularly throughout the year. It was my job to carry the wood
to the basement. Dad would start the fire before he went to work and mom would put wood on
the fire to keep it going. As I think back, it took a lot of effort to keep that fire
going, but it was worth it considering the alternative...cold feet! We all enjoyed the
warmth and so we did our part to keep the home fires burning.
Keeping the fire going in the wood stove is much like keeping the love alive in your
marriage, it does not "just happen." You have to work at it. You must add fuel
to the "love fires" to keep them burning. Unfortunately, married folks are
forgetting that and it is evident. One survey says "6 of every 12 marriages become
loveless, utilitarian relationships sustained to protect children, property, shared
careers and other business interests." In other words, COLD!
A cold, utilitarian relationship does not appeal to me! A WARM, LOVING RELATIONSHIP
ranks high on my list of priorities. How about you? If you want to kindle the coals of
love in your marriage relationship, the following suggestions will add fuel to the fire.
It will take effort, but when you consider the alternative it is worth it!
CARING COMPANIONSHIP
Psychologist Norman Wright said, "...within each of us is the hunger for contact,
acceptance, belonging, intimate exchange, responsiveness, support, love and the touch of
tenderness." A caring partner can fill that need so we do not have to feel lonely.
God planned it that way when he created Adam. Genesis 2:18 says, "It is not good that
the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him." Simply stated, God
made Adam a companion suited for him. Neither a beautiful environment nor a variety of
animals would fill the bill.
Marriage, right from the start, was to be a relationship based on mutual, caring
companionship. It is not a dictator- doormat relationship. Paul makes this clear when he
begins talking about husband and wife relationships by saying "submitting yourselves
one to another..." in Ephesians 5:21.
Couples who want to keep the home fires burning will make time for each other and that
time will be quality time. Be sure to talk together, work together on projects of mutual
interest, play together, dream together.
When I was dating my wife to be, we saw each other every chance we could. We worked
opposite shifts which made things difficult but NOT impossible. The key was we made time
for each other.
Too often, after the knot has been tied, the wife is left isolated. The husband is off
at work or with the boys while the wife is working, keeping up with the kids, and minding
"the castle."
Wise couples will carve out time to be with each other. They will make nurturing their
relationship a prime priority despite the job obligations, children, community and church
commitments. WHY? Caring for each other and being with each other is the fuel that keeps
the relationship warm.
There is a second suggestion I want to share with you that will keep your marriage
warm...
Commitment is the cornerstone of strong marriages. God's blueprint for marriage is
clearly drawn in the Bible. It is, One Man plus One Woman for One Lifetime. Matthew 19:6
points out the importance of complete commitment when it says, "What God has joined
together, let not man put asunder."
So many couples come to the marriage altar with selfish, unrealistic expectations. Each
person is focusing on what they can get out of marriage instead of considering what they
must give. A successful marriage is an exercise in give and take.
There are no "story book" marriages. If you hear of a marriage that is
"perpetual bliss" it is a fairy tale. Why? Because there are no perfect husbands
and no perfect wives. All marriages have their strengths and weaknesses, their good times
and their difficult times, their highs and their lows.
So what keeps a marriage going? The secret fuel that keeps the love fires burning is
the total commitment of one partner to the other. By total commitment I mean, the
willingness to hang in there and work things out, in spite of weaknesses, disappointments
and failures.
One author explained commitment like this... "A successful marriage is not one in
which two people, beautifully matched find each other and get along happily ever after
because of the initial matching. It is, instead, a system by means of which persons who
are sinful and contentious are so caught by a dream bigger than themselves that they work
throughout the years, in spite of repeated disappointment, to make the dream come
true." (From The Recovery Of The Family by Elton Trueblood). Make it obvious to your
mate that you are committed to making your marriage work.
There is another aspect of commitment that needs to be considered. Be committed to
being satisfied with your partner. Our society has a morbid preoccupation with what I call
The Septic Tank Syndrome. Movies, TV, videos, romance novels, etc. promote the philosophy
-- The Grass Is Greener On The Other Side Of The Fence! When was the last time you saw a
TV movie where married people were enjoying a fulfilling relationship with each other? It
is an unusual show that does not promote the "grass is greener..." philosophy.
But that philosophy is a MYTH! Do you know where the grass is greener? I have found that
the grass is always greener over the septic tank. The entertainment media has disguised
the hurt, the broken lives and the tragedy of marriages shattered by unfaithfulness. They
make adultery look attractive but it is devastating American families.
The wisest man who ever lived wrote in Proverbs 5:15-23 of the importance of being
satisfied with your marriage partner. He said, "Drink water out of thine own
cistern... rejoice with the wife of thy youth... let her breasts satisfy thee at all
times; and be thou ravished always with her love." He goes on to say how foolish it
is to look outside of the marriage relationship for satisfaction. I suggest you get out
you Bible and carefully read this passage in its entirety.
Commitment means that your mate holds a position of honor in your life. That means
there is a bond of sexual exclusiveness between you.
Complete commitment is the fuel that keeps the marriage warm.
A lady stopped in her pastor's office one day and as soon as she sat down she was in
tears. She said "my husband can't say a kind word to me! I don't know what to
do." The problem was tearing her and their marriage apart.
Ephesians 4:15 tells us the importance of "speaking the truth in
love."
That's what I call charitable communication. Words can be used like weapons. Job of old
experienced this first hand and tells of the hurt misused words caused him. He said in
Job 19:2, "How long will you...break me in pieces with words."
There is an old proverb that says, The road to the heart is the ear. I believe it. That
explains why many marriages are growing cold when out of the 10,000 plus minutes in every
week, the average couple spends only 17 minutes in close communication. That's the
chilling fact.
Peter told husbands that they are to "dwell with them (their wives) according to
knowledge..." in I Peter 3:7. By that he meant, a man needs to get to know his wife.
That will not happen by accident. It will take time, time spent in quality communication,
time talking and listening.
- Remember, how you say something is just as important as what you say.
- Don't forget that "body language" communicates as much as your words.
- Be a good listener, give thought to what you say before you say it and be slow to get
angry. (James 1:19-20 & Proverbs 17:27)
- Be sure to be truthful but use the truth wrapped in love and not like a weapon.
(Ephesians 4:15)
- Be courteous, your partner deserves an opportunity to speak without harassment or
interruption. (Proverbs 18:13)
- Do not resort to EXAGGERATION to support your argument. Exaggeration is inflating the
facts beyond the limits of truth. Phrases like, "you always...", "You
never..." or "You're just like..." are exaggerations and should be avoided.
Exaggerated threats are common also. Exaggeration erodes trust, credibility and hinders
communication. (Ephesians 4:25)
- Resolve arguments the same day they occur if at all possible so they don't turn into
bitterness and resentment. (Ephesians 2:26)
If you want to keep the home fires burning, you will sharpen your communication skills.
Charitable (kind) communication and lots of it adds necessary fuel that keeps the love
fires burning in a marriage.
I came across a card from American Greetings that illustrates my point beautifully. It
was set up like a Want Ad in the newspaper, it said, and I quote...
WANTED: MOTHER
Long hours, low pay, little time
off. Must be willing to work
overtime on weekends, holidays,
and summer vacation. Energy,
imagination, intelligence,
endurance, and flexibility required.
Must have ability to lead, instruct
and guide, coupled with a warm
and loving, affectionate personality.
On-the-job training offered.
Inside the card said, THANKS for taking the job, Mom!
The card could well have applied to a wife or a husband. The point is this. No one
wants to be used. A husband wants to be more than a pay check and a wife more than a
domestic servant. Everyone needs to know they are sincerely appreciated. Just knowing that
your spouse cares will go a long way in getting you through tough situations. And it's
right, too. Men, appreciation is a part of what it means to "cherish" your wife
in Ephesians 5:29. Ladies, appreciation is a part of what it means to
"reverence" your husband in Ephesians 5:33.
Refuse to take your mate for granted. Kind words of appreciation, lending a helping
hand and creative, unexpected actions that show you value and esteem your mate will go a
long way in keeping your relationship warm.
There is a fifth suggestion that is perhaps the most important suggestion of all when
it comes to keeping the marriage relationship warm.
All of us bring "excess baggage" into marriage. That includes personality
weaknesses, personal problems, opinions, ideals, etc. When something goes wrong it is our
natural inclination to "pass the buck." That is wrong. We must take
responsibility for our own shortcomings and errors. Though it may be difficult to admit
that "I am wrong" or that "I am a part of the problem" it is a part of
our obligation to our mate. It is a necessity and not an option. When you are wrong, you
need to be mature enough to own up to it. Both husbands and wives need to put away their
pride and learn to say, "I'm sorry." A sincere, heartfelt apology will go a long
way in keeping the warmth in a marriage relationship.
There is the other side of the coin that must be looked at also. That is forgiveness.
Forgiveness is also fuel that keeps the home fires burning and the relationship warm. Now,
I know some will protest at this point. Their attitude is similar to what one bitter woman
said to her counselor... "It will be a cold day in hell before I ever forgive my
husband. He does not deserve to be forgiven!" Few will be as crass as that woman, but
many hold the same malignant attitude. Perhaps she was right. But I must point out
Ephesians 3:13 which says that we are not to hold grudges, but be tolerant and ready to
forgive. Note the specific words, "Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another,
if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye."
None of us deserve the forgiveness of our sins. But when you receive Christ as your Savior
it is freely given. Because Christ has forgiven us, we are to forgive others.
When you forgive someone, what does that mean? Dr. Jay Adams says (I am paraphrasing)
First, it means you are promising and choosing not to use it against the person in the
future. Second, you are promising and choosing not to talk to others about it. Lastly, you
are promising and choosing not to dwell on it yourself.
Dispense forgiveness in generous amounts. It pays off.
The sixth suggestion I offer you is, keep romance alive in your relationship. Some will
say, "Oh come on now, you don't ever find romance mentioned in the Bible."
To be sure, the word "romance" does not appear in the Bible, but
illustrations of it do. Read The Song Of Solomon or the story of Ruth and Boaz as recorded
in the Old Testament Book of Ruth. There you will find romance in all of its purity and
excitement.
Did you know that the absence of romantic love is on the top of the heap as a source of
depression among married women? Dr. James Dobson says, "A man can be contented with a
kind of business partnership in marriage, provided sexual privileges are a part of the
arrangement. As long as the wife prepares dinner each evening, is reasonably amiable, and
doesn't nag him during football season, he can be satisfied." But that is not the
case with the wife! She yearns to be her husband's Special Sweetheart. She would likely
trade the new TV, her dishwasher or just about anything for a single expression of genuine
tenderness and attention that does not have to be "paid for" with sex.
A wise husband will take his wife on dates, remember anniversaries and special days. He
will write her love notes or get her a small gift for no special reason.
A word of wisdom to the wives. Don't neglect your husbands. Husbands appreciate love
notes too. He wants you to be "sexy" for him just as much as you want him to be
romantic with you.
If you want to keep the home fires burning men, you will stimulate romance in your
relationship. Ladies, if you want to have a warm marital relationship you will not treat
your physical obligation to your husband as a "necessary evil."
There is one final suggestion I want to share with you. It focuses on the spiritual
aspect of your relationship.
ACTIVE SPIRITUAL
INVOLVEMENT
The kind of self-giving love needed to sustain a marriage relationship cannot be
generated merely by personal desire, but it is available. The logical question is,
"What is the source?" The answer is, "It is available from God, through his
Son, Jesus Christ."
The Bible says in I John 4:8, "God is love." In order to tap into the
reservoir of God's love a person must believe on Jesus Christ. The moment you put your
faith in Christ, Romans 5:5 tells us, "...the love of God is shed abroad in our
hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us." At that moment God gives you the
desire and the power to initiate the self-giving love needed to sustain your marriage.
Simply stated, spiritual involvement begins with personal faith in the risen Savior,
Jesus Christ. Have you ever prayed, admitting to God that you are a sinner? Have you ever
asked the Lord to forgive your sins? Have you ever told Christ you believe he died for
your sins and arose from the dead? Have you ever personally invited Christ to come into
your life and be your Savior from the guilt, penalty and power of sin? If not, why not do
it right now. You could pray something like this...
Dear Lord Jesus, I confess that I am a sinner. Please forgive me for all my sins. I
believe the Bible which says you died to pay for my sins. I believe you arose from the
dead and are alive today. Please come into my life this very moment and be my personal
Savior. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Amen.
If you just prayed that prayer and believe what you prayed, Christ is now your Savior.
That's where spiritual involvement begins. The next step is to get involved in a good,
solid, Bible preaching church. That is important to your marriage and a study done by a
University of Virginia sociologist supports that fact. The study found that couples who
attend church regularly are 42% more likely to still be married for the first time than
those couples who don't attend church. In addition, reading the Bible and praying together
regularly is important if you are going to keep the home fires burning.
Wouldn't you agree that the warmth of being in love beats the coldness of a utilitarian
relationship? If so, get busy and start stoking the fire with the fuel... Caring
Companionship, Complete Commitment, Charitable Communication, Expressing Appreciation,
Responsibility and Forgiveness, Romance, and Active Spiritual Involvement.
David L. Brown is the Pastor of a Baptist Church in the
Milwaukee, Wisconsin area. He and his wife Linda have enjoyed 20 years of marriage. They
have three children.
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"Neither
is there salvation in any other: for there is none
other name under heaven given among men, whereby we
must be saved."